its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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