It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
