I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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