it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
