sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
