Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
