i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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