the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
