Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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