it wasn't lemon gatorade
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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