Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
