Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
