Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
