i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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