Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
