I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just gargled with NyQuil
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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