you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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