i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
