This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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