the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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