Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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