I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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