I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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