Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
