Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
