You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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