I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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