Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
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