i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
