If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
