I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
