all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
