he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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