I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
