I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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