Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I need a burrito and a hug.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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