so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
