I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Found your dick twin last night
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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