Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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