God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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