I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
