dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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