my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
