Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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