He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
