3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
