pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
