Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
