his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
