somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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