party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
